Saturday, 18 June 2016

Are you in control?

Wake up! Our lives are not in the hands of God! My life is not in the hands of God, never has and never will. My life has been in the hands of humans. Some have made me, some have tried to break me and some have let me survive on my own and make stupid and wise decisions, all on my own. In the long run, beards have sprouted, a way of nature telling me that am not a kid anymore. Alongside age follows beards. Some shave them, some grow them and keep them long. With age comes wisdom, some grasp her, and learn her lessons by heart, others dismiss her and stick to the original knowledge every other kid acquires in chilhood schooling systems. So, yes, we have divergents.

Let children be. Let children stories be. Am an adult all the way to my brain. I am in control. I don't let anyone control the least of my life. I don't give way to any means of brain control. No, i am alert. I am in control of my life. My life is in my hands and i will not let anyone feed me that crap that my life is in God's hands. I will drive carefully and will not let an inexperienced driver drive my car. No drunk will touch my steering wheel. If you truly believe in a God you don't see then i have no trouble believing that you will believe me when i say that there is no accident that is a coincidence or a 'bad luck'. Critically thinking, it is always a consequence of lack of paying enough attention to details. Are you attentive?

I will not eat any dirty food, i know you won't either. But you will not walk past that sausage vendor without grabbing a bite or two. We all know it's dirty, but surely it won't kill to have a bite. On a daily basis, we eat cholesterol rich foods yet we all know we need to eat cholesterol free foods for a longer life. Well, me I know it's up to me to control my health. Not God. I will eat healthy food and do body exercises to keep my body healthy and strong. I will avoid all allergens that personally affect me negatively and avoid loud music in my ears. I will have regular health check up to make sure am healthy. Are you in control of your health?

I will work hard on my studies so that i have academic success. No one is born clever. Success is the product of prior preparation, without which failure is assured. Success is in my hands. I will make sure i have what it takes to be eligible for a certain post or a certain job.
Getting a job one is not qualified for is a sure proof of God's miracle. God's hand at work. A God called 'Corruption'!

I will groom and learn the gentleman's way so that i will be the best suiter to any fine lady of my desire. I will not wait for God to find me a wife. I will find my wife for me. Am in control.
I will make sure that cleanliness is observed and the environment is conserved.  Anything contrary to the use of common sense is contrary to my rules. Sex life needs to be kept at check, failure to which fatal infections and diseases are due No dumping outside the dustbin. No smoking, no burning plastic and no spitting but in the toilet. The climate will be in my favour if i take care of her mother, earth.

I will keep the dangerous animals away in wild reserves for my own safety. And make sure the house i live in is secured enough. There is need to walk in safe zones during specific time of the day. I control my security. Keeping domestic animals around me, clean and well fed is good for my connecting with nature. I will dress appropriately depending on every climate so that i stay free from diseases. My life is in my hands. I will control my life, and i will live to see my grand children. When my body tissues become too weak to generate new cells, i will proudly and gladly leave space for a new generation of human beings to sprout and live. I will not have to worry about what happens after i die because i have no clue of who or where i was and had no idea of who i would be, before i was born. If i was nothing before i born, if i was created that day my mother got pregnant, then i am assured that whatever has a beginning has a end. That is the bitter truth to those who don't live their lives to the fullest in hope of a better life after they die.

Friday, 10 June 2016

It's all up here

So the short Ebola video clip really killed it. I'll take it that it was and still is a rib cracker to Kenyans because we never actually 'got' the chance to experience the epidemic. Nevertheless, I can't help bursting into uncontrolled laughter whenever i remeber how the guy runs into the village shouting "Ebola,Ebola!" With such tired voice. Then everyone in the village instantly scatters. Then the lady who had been pulling a jar of water from a well becomes totally confused and suddenly jumps into the well. That's the ultimate killer part. Literary, the lady rather die of drawing in the deep well than of Ebola!
Anyway, we are not any different. How many times do we hear someone say, i'd rather die of a bullet in the back my head than die of hunger? Well, since death is an ultimate ending that is not optional to anyone, most people subconsciously choose how they die so that death looks inferior! Or rather, they don't look inferior to death. Actually, it is true to say that since we people don't really know what happens after death, we find means to satisfy and assure ourselves that we will be alright. As a matter of fact, personally when I am broke for long periods, say a week or two, I normally tel myself that the sweet little demon who ought to bring me money from the other side has been gambling it away in hope of getting me more, and must been on the losing end. Ironically, when am 'balling', i say 'God has blessed me for helping that shaky old lady  cross the road yesterday. It's all up here. Whatever you choose, so long as it works alright for you, go ahead and customize it to your own benefit. (Let nobody cheat you that they know where you'll go after you die. They themselves have never died to have gone to confirm it! It's like a class one drop out telling you what to expect in campus! Since I know most of you are legally up on the level, tel me, since obviously your mother told you a lot of shitty stuff about campus life, how good is it working for you?

It's a matter of life and death.

Normally, there is always no much time for explaining when two or more people shout "thief" at anyone, in the streets of Nairobi. It doesn't matter whether one is a priest or a witch, my friend, you run! When it comes to a matter of life and death, adrenaline say 'get aggressive or bleed excessive!' So when you are in the run and you meet an old lady, you knock her down. Real hard! As much as it will increase their wrath, it will equally reduce their chances of catching you.

When and old lady comes into your hut in Nyeri and threatens to shout 'rapist!' Lest you give her ksh10,! You dive into your pockets and find what you have. You only acknowledge that you have been fairly and cleanly blackmailed. And you praise her old wicked wits. You don't say anything else. You just act as though it's nothing, no matter how infuriated you feel inside. Trust me, if you do or say anything silly you will praise the ladies of Nyeri in hell!

When your neighbour's hen finds way into your granary in Kakamega and begins, with the usual complaints, swallowing your hard worked for maize, you don't take any direct action. You go call the neighbour to come take the hen home. That is what I call golden property. It is similar to a jar of water in Ukambani. Very important and very serious. Afterall, in Luhyaland hens are the royal poultry. A single hen can buy you two fully grown cows. So If you want to live long over there, play not with anyone's hen. It's a matter of life and death.

Violence is never appreciated in most societies in the world. People are wise and have grown past violence as a means of resolving conflict. However, I know of a people who are more than learned. Geniuses as a matter of fact but a people who are conservative. Not as much of property as they are of individual pride. A people who believe not in modern war arms but in crude stones and stones alone. Trust me, as much as stones do bouild entire foundations of buildings, they can strike to the ground an entire city. Whenever you see the stones people gather, man! Listen to your instincts, run! Don't stop! They can shoot you from a mile away! It's a matter of life and death.

Don't mess with Jonas!

I bet after this post most people will learn to stay out of other people's businesses because if Jonas finds you stealing a glance at him, you will definately go to have your mouth super mouthwashed or your throat replaced-which am yet to hear of. Well, Jonas is the crazy dirty street guy who finds pleasure in sleeping outside expensive shopping malls and eating his smelly dirty dinner just outside most five star hotels in town, whichever he decides upon, each different day.It is bewildering how no one seems bothered by him, or rather, no one dares come over to him and say, "hey you super rag muffin! Get your smelly ass out of here!" Well, so this story is about fat madam Skunk who always had a great affinity for the most chocking perfumes just to overshadow her smelly thick sweat. So she owned this one star hotel. That's definately how she could afford them toxic perfumes, and am sure thats how her salary was used up, since am sure food was available in the hotels kitchen.They say she lived to eat rather than eat to live. So anyone stands justified to translate it literally. They say with money comes along pride. Well, for Skunky it was the other way round, she used to say that her pride brought her the money. Well, no one would pull a chair in her hotel or cough a waiter's name. Back then, Jonas was not into eating outside big hotels. That day he was actually just innocently passing by, outside the hotel, when she saw him. She had happened to be spying on some pretty handsome barber boy whose shop was opposite her hotel. Suddenly, she rushed out and rudely pushed Jonas about shouting insults at him. She had obviously pulled this move to win the barber boy's attention. Obviously, she had done her usual shouting professionally well enough and as expected a crowd had gathered around the duo. 'Her crowd' she thought. So wearing a scornful frown she went on casually spitting insults at Jonas. As the mad man people thought he was, he had assumed her insults and was laughing stupidly. Since she had stopped pushing him about, only but insulting,he had sank his right hand into his dirty sack as he went on laughing, yet seemed to be trying to pick something out. No one saw him pick it out. They only realized when his big dirty hand was already covering her mouth! Out of the black dirty suck, Jonas had grabbed out a handful of rotten spaghetti and before anyone could move their eyes to him,he had already forced it into her mouth. Next, her roughly tickled her making her swallow the entire rot! Then without a word, he picked his baggage and the crowd automatically gave way. Without a word, the people dispersed as madam Skunk was left frozen with her hand holding her throat, wishing she could rewind time.Since then, Madame Skunk has never been again. Jonas with his nearly acquired achievement thought it was time to upgrade. So he eats, unquestioned and undisturbed, his dirty food, outside any five star hotel her chooses.